In an attempt to respond to as many people as possible before the semester is out, I will be responding to an earth shattering FIVE letters today. I know, right? In turn, they will be short and sweet, but nobody reads this to hear what I say anyways… They just want to mock other people’s problems. Don’t look so innocent, get back to studying.
Dr. Date,
There is this girl that works at UDS, and I think she is wonderful. She is pretty, has a wonderful smile, and seems to be a hard worker. I would like to go out with her but I don't know how to ask her out. I don't want to be a creep, like some people are (I work in food too, I know those type of people), and I don't want to make a fool of myself and ask her out then find out she has a boyfriend! What should I do?
—UDS Crush
Aramark lovehole,
Wait until you see her around when she’s not working, say you recognize her from UDS and introduce yourself. It actually works as a pretty natural icebreaker, or compliment her on her smile.
Or you could wait outside of UDS for her and pretend to study. Then follow her home and hypnotize her. Pretty obvious.
—Dr. Date
DD,
What happens when you lose the game doc? I dumped my girlfriend a month or two ago because ... well ... I knew she'd stopped loving me. I didn't want to believe it so I made excuses for it at the time, but it was the fact of the matter that she could even admit to now. For me, it wasn't superficial in the least bit. I loved her with all my heart. I didn't just give her what she wanted, I tried to give her what I thought was best and right. But I always kind of knew that she had a bit of “puppy love.” And after a while, I saw even that fade. I gave everything I could. I don't regret anything I did because I don't feel like I did anything wrong. But...now I feel like an alcoholic. All I want is love, but it seems it only brings me tragedy, even when I do it right. Now I just want to be sober, to be done with it all. But that’s not human. Naturally she has been able to move on. But I feel so alone. What now doc? What next? ... And don't give me any lines about getting back on the horse.
—Pearly
Ron Pearlman,
Did you … yeah, you definitely just described the first half of “Hellboy” to me.
In your case, let Rasputin have her. Whatever. Or realistically find something productive to occupy yourself with. If your mind is focused on something you’re passionate about, it’ll make it easier to be more yourself and move forward. Model airplanes? Exercise? Masturbating? Whatever works best for you.
—Dr. Date
Dear Doctor Date,
So, I'm interested in this guy on the sailing team, let's call him Pony (he has long hair — sexy). I haven't dated many guys and I'm not sure how to approach him. Do you think I should join the sailing team so that I can be with him more? Or would that be going too far? Don't get me wrong, I like sailing, but I might get too aroused watching him work the sheets and handle the battle stick. Sincerely,
—Naughty Knots
Knothead,
Don’t join the sailing team. That’s the most ridiculous unnecessary roundabout bullsh-t I’ve heard since the last time I watched Bill O’Reily.
Try asking him to hang out. You know, something that doesn’t waste a ton of your time if he isn’t interested. Use the sailing thing as a conversation starter. Don’t obsess over idealized people in your head. Try finding someone you have an actual connection with.
—Dr. Date
Dr. Date,
I've been dating this amazing girl since we first met during the summer after we both graduated from high school. I've loved every minute of the past year and a half. We're great for each other; we trust each other deeply, the sex is amazing, and no one has ever made me happier. We're both very happy with each other. Of course, there's a catch (why else would I be writing?). Can two mature, driven college students have a meaningful relationship when one half of the relationship puts school first? Lately, my time during the week has been almost completely monopolized by various academic pursuits. We do hang out a lot on the weekends, but I feel she would like more of my attention. I don't want to look back on my time spent here and regret the time I spent with my nose in a book, but I'm also very dedicated when it comes to school. So what do you think, should I keep up with my studies and risk leaving her feeling left out or should I be happy with C's and give this sweet girl the attention she deserves?
—Committed nerd
Turd,
People who really care about each other understand their partners’ ambitions. Make time when you can and as often as you can, but worst case: C’s get degrees.
—Dr. Date
Dr. Date,
I am in need of some advice. You see, there is this girl who I see on the bus every so often who is absolutely gorgeous. We have had made eye contact once or twice so I would imagine she remembers my face. Anyway, I am wondering how to strike up a convo with her. I am really attracted to her and want to talk to her and possibly get to know her, but I don't want to be the creepy guy on the city bus, you know what I mean? I try to think of something to initialize a conversation but when we are on the bus together it is too crowded and we do not end up sitting near each other and we usually get on and off at different stops. What can I do to strike up a convo and not come off as creepy?
—Not so Smooth Talker
U-[p]ass,
Wait for something out of the ordinary to happen, then strike up a conversation about it. You know, when the guy that is totally inebriated yells out “White China!” at some dude, or when the bus driver misses a turn or something. Once you’re conversing, just keep the ball rolling. Next time refer to the archives, I’ve written about this like 69 times now.
—Dr. Date
