Dr. Date
Holy leaping catfish, have I got a pickle on my hands. So the other night my lady and I were watching America’s Got Talent and sippin’ some Bartles & Jaymes. I was agreeing with David Hasslehoff (AS USUAL, LOL) and suddenly my ladies paw started creepin’ towards my bear den (I call my penis my bear den, FYI). Now, most of the time I’ve got no problem in this situation. That is to say, most times I can get as hard as a petrified pterodactyl. Maybe it was the one and a half B&J’s and perhaps it was the fact I had recently lost a pet fish … BUT, I couldn’t get the ol’ boy workin’. She tried her best to comfort and reassure me, but I just wouldn’t stop tearing up! It was at that point my gal sighed and left. I tried to rattle my own bear den at that point, but even that was a futile endeavor. What’s broken with me doctor? Please help, I don’t want to go into H.J. hibernation!
—F.F. (Flaccid Floppy) Fred
Fred Money,
It really does sound like you have a pickle on your hands, and hopefully you’ll be crisp like a Vlasic in no time. First of all, Wine Coolers are like an atomic bomb on your bear den. Plus, The Hoff always has one of two effects. Either you’re in the zone and right there with him and you can get totally Hoffed up, or his zany excitement psyches you out. Chances are you were just too captivated by The Hoff to get your head in the right place.
Regular exercise is a good cure to get your body regulated and get the blood pumping again. I would suggest going for a slow motion morning jog on the beach.
Also, having a positive outlook and not stressing yourself out is good way to keep sharp. Piers Morgan’s negative judgment was probably a contributing factor.
And I don’t even know what to say about Sharon. She looks good for her age but I don’t know anyone that ever accidentally popped bone while watching hit reality show The Osbournes. Except maybe for Kelly. What a tiny, stout, warthog-looking HOTTIE!
Don’t stress about it until it becomes a regular thing. Chances are, after a little rest and relaxation your All-American bear den will have talent again before the next episode.
—Dr. Date
Hello there good Doctor.
So I was dating this girl over the summer for three weeks. I’ve been on dates and never really connected with someone the way I connected with this girl. Our dates were a blast. I think she felt the same way because when she wasn’t busy (which was rare) we usually would have a date. At one point, she started saying things like “we’ll have to do … (insert something 3 weeks away).” This gave me the impression that this to her was something more than a fling. We were comfortable together, we joked, we kissed and I really got the feeling that she felt the same way that I did. We never verbally communicated this which is something I now regret. After three weeks, she left for vacation. She told me she would call me when she got back and we kissed. I couldn’t wait to see her again. When she returned, I didn’t hear anything from her. I called her, texted her and left her messages. The last thing I wanted was to come off as a creep but I wanted her to give me an answer, at least tell me something. I was confused. All of this ended in me running into her at the bar a week later. I called her aside and talked to her and she told me something like this: “Don’t take it personally, it wasn’t you, it was me. I tried to call but became afraid and hung up. Please don’t think I did not have a great time with you, because I did.” This is all good and groovy and I’m over all of it now. What I want to know is, shouldn’t I take this personally? She chose another guy over me. Also, was it wrong for me to expect her to tell me something, even if it was a “I don’t like you” or “I’m dating another guy.” I was just super confused.
—Mr. Confuzzled
Fuzzy—
This girl sounds like she has no idea what she wants. You probably got the wrong idea that she was serious because she made plans a few weeks away. All this means is that she was having fun and in that moment and making further plans felt natural. Girls do this kind of thing. That’s why they’re so awful. Girls in their early 20s often have the mindset of a pinball. They’ll bounce around with no rhyme or reason. It also sounds like you may have left things a bit ambiguous before she left. It sounds like even though you were having fun, you never took the time to communicate about what was going on, and her vacation was an easy out for her dying attention span. Things happen. Dating is cruel. This girl sounds flakier than Tony the Tiger and chances are she isn’t worth the trouble.
—Dr. Date
Dr. Date—
I like a girl that I work with. We spend our days flirting, looking in each other’s direction, joking, talking etc. The problem is I know that this girl has a boyfriend. Is there any way I can test the water to see if this girl likes me as more than a friend? I want to know whether I’m just the fun guy she flirts with at work or if there could be a genuine crush on her end. Thank you! You rock.
—Wishing it would work at work
Wishing to twerk—
As you can probably imagine, this kind of situation is very common. Romance in the workplace happens for a number of reasons, one of them being the fact that you both are required to be there, and it only makes sense to try and enjoy it. Usually a really simple way to test the waters on these sorts of things is to make some sort of joke that suggests she likes you. Gauge her reaction and you can probably get a good indication as to what she thinks of that notion. Also, you could just talk to her. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but that’s because it works. Lots of people stress themselves out about not knowing how somebody feels, but never just ask. Yes this does make you vulnerable and your feelings a little transparent, but this is also what makes you a real person.
—Dr. Date